Thursday, May 19, 2011

Here we go!

It's all happening!

We're writing a screenplay! We're submitting a scene from a larger idea for a contest--so I can't talk about it. It's a SECRET. (yes, it's Kind Of A Big Deal.)

If we advance to the next round, we'll tell EVERYONE. If not, we'll never speak of it again.

So wish us luck!

No matter what happens, I'm proud of us.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Fessin' Up (Keeping It Real)

I'm out of balance. Balance in one's life is difficult to achieve for most people, but I'm also stubborn and undisciplined so it's especially difficult for me. I've been working a lot--well, 4 nights of work doesn't seem like a lot and isn't for most people but I'm also trying to continue the daily routine I had when I was working during the day. That's the stubborn part. I'm also not doing what I need to do to be productive during the day. That's the undisciplined part.

The result is what you would see if my computer screen had eyes (and thank God it doesn't): I came home last night after 3am and too much coffee so I had a couple glasses of wine while watching my shows I had DVR'd. I fell asleep on the couch without a shower and in my makeup. I woke up at 7am and threw myself into my bed--shoving my clean, unfolded clothes into a corner of my bed--without a shower and without washing my face. I woke up around 11am realizing that it's Friday and I don't care because I'm not going to see my boyfriend for the next 4 days. I was pissed at myself for sleeping in my makeup and pissed that I have to pay what seems like a HUGE amount to the state for taxes and pissed that I haven't been to the grocery store and I had nothing to eat and pissed that I've inadvertently arranged my work schedule to be completely opposite my boyfriend's.

Most, if not all of today's stress was caused by... ME. Why am I unmotivated to make my life easier? Is it not enough sleep? Maybe. When I'm tired I'm cranky and irritable and irrational. And I write run ons and sentence fragments. One of these days I'll get it together. They say the first step to changing it is admitting the problem, right?

Here's hoping.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Warts and all.

You know those life changing moments when everything gets very quiet--so much so that you may have gone deaf for a minute--and you get very still and it seems like the whole world slows down to allow the change that is happening inside of you and you are anxious because you want to hold onto this feeling and share it with everyone you know but you're not sure how because it's too powerful for you to release?

I just had one of those. I just had a wake-up call. I read a blog post that a friend re-posted on FB and then I read the post that inspired the first. It made me really look at myself and I don't like some of what I see.

I think it's obvious to everyone that I'm not perfect. I don't even really try to be because I believe it's futile, but despite that, sometimes I really wish I was. And it's in those moments of hating myself for something--almost always about some aspect of the way I look: my skin has broken out or I feel fat or my hair doesn't look like I want it too--that I start comparing myself to other people. And it makes me feel worse.

Sometimes I feel worse because when I compare myself to someone else, I find myself lacking. I'm not as pretty or as thin or my skin/hair/posture isn't as good as hers. But it's when I start thinking "my ____ is better than hers" that I really start feeling bad. What right do I have to judge anyone on the way they look? The Universe has a way of reminding me of this. As soon as I judge a girl to have bad skin, my face breaks out. As soon as I judge someone to be too heavy, I'll have an attack of insecurity about my body.

Like the post I linked says, all this happens because I don't love myself enough to love other people. I've heard that said for years, but I've never really thought about it so much. I judge people for the flaws I find in myself. I knew this when I was a small child--when I was mad at my brother for something he did. I knew that I was mad because I was hating the thing in me that I saw in him. I may have been 10, probably younger. And over 20 years later, I'm still doing the same thing.

It's a continuous journey. The first step is realization. The next step is action. I don't know how to make myself love myself over night but I do know that being nice to people makes me feel better about myself so I'm going to give that a try. Instead of being envious of someone tonight, I'm going to pay them a compliment.

From one imperfect person to another: you're beautiful the way you are, warts and all.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

It's a pretty good substitute.

I can't write about what I want to write about today. I need more time to process and think. So I'm going to post one of my favorite poems instead. I think it's especially appropriate during Lent.

Batter My Heart by John Donne

Batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town to another due,
Labor to admit you, but oh, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be lov'd fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy;
Divorce me,'untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Eat, Pray, Love: Read, Watch, Dissect, Discuss

So I'm watching Eat, Pray, Love on cable. I stopped it just as she arrived in India to come up here and write. I LOVE the book. I know it by heart. I know every scene, which makes it hard to watch the movie.

The movie is not the book. I concede that it must have been extremely difficult to put into images something so abstract and introspective as finding oneself and even more so, finding God. However, it also makes me sad that in order to reach the audience they wanted, the film makers had to inject a few explanations to the objections I guess they felt every American would have to Liz Gilbert's "crazy" journey. The scene I'm specifically thinking about is in the pizzeria in Naples where she justifies her calorie binge to her Swedish friend who refuses to eat anymore because she is developing a "muffin-top." She says she is "through with the guilt." In the book, there is no justification needed. Her soul and her body were starved... the beautiful food in Italy was feeding her body and nourishing her soul. It disappointed me to watch that scene knowing that the filmmakers believed that without it, no American woman would believe this journey... instead of seeing themselves in Liz, they would see the story as a fairy tale. As a smaller indie movie with less of a star (not trying for the big blockbuster audience whom Julia Roberts attracts), this scene wouldn't be necessary. That just makes me sad for mainstream America.

It is a fairytale in a way... not just anyone can pick up in the middle of their life and leave for a year long search for themselves. But why not? As soon as I wrote that, a million reasons began listing themselves in my brain. So maybe it should be mandatory. Wouldn't that be something if when you turned, oh, 34, you got a ticket in the mail. For your year long sabbatical. And a maid, nanny, temp, whatever you needed at your door to help pick up where you left off. What would we discover about ourselves? Would there be utter chaos or peace? I can't even say for certain what my life would look like.

The book (and I hope the movie, when all is said and done) is about finding God. I guess that's why there are so many books, CDs, DVDs, lectures, retreats etc. on finding God in everyday life. There are very few of us that are able to take time out for that journey in the middle of our lives. Sure, you can look during that year between high school and college... but where does God go when you grow into a mother (or father?) How do you stay in touch through all the changes He brings your way?

Again, Liz's book can answer that: it takes work. She was able to take this trip because she worked for it: it was her book advance that allowed her to go. She felt motivated for this trip because she wanted to change herself--that is some serious work. After watching a couple recorded lectures of hers and interviews with her, I feel confident saying that coming back and promoting the book, accepting all the accolades and trying to write her follow-up bestseller were definitely work for her.

So I guess work can look like leisure and leisure can look like work (if you're a Type A personality.) I have to believe this because I've been unemployed for about 7 months now. The work I'm doing is INTERNAL, people! Geez. (and I'm laughing at myself.)

I'm going to head back downstairs to finish the movie--I have things to do today after all. (I DO!) And I'm going to watch it with the same non-judgmental attitude I desire from everyone whose opinion I care about. I'm going to accept it for what it is and not compare it (or try my best not to) with my beloved book. It might take some work, but it will be worth it.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Don't Worry, Be Happy

To all you worrywarts out there: Stop worrying.

That might be as easily said and as hard to stop as Stop breathing, but it's just as necessary for life as continuing to breathe.

Ceasing to worry was one of the themes in Mass on Sunday and it really stuck with me. Nobody increases their lifespan by worrying. Actually, there's not one thing that is benefitted by worrying. So that's why I don't worry. Well, I do worry about some things but not others... and there are people that think I should be a little more worried about things than I am.

To them I say, don't be like me. Make sure you achieve the perfect balance of being appropriately worried and responsible. And let me know how that turns out.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Honesty is refreshing.

Let's be honest...

I was kind of smashed when I wrote that last post. Sorry if that makes me seem unproductive, irresponsible or trashy, but well, it is what it is. It was a Saturday night and I was out with my boyfriend and his friend. We were about to go downtown (in a CAB--no driving for us!!) and I realized that I forgot to log my 20 minutes of writing in. I went to all that trouble to post a crappy entry but forgot to do it again yesterday so my clock starts over again at Day 1 today.

Maybe that's a good thing... too much pressure to post and remembering at the last minute has made for a few really crappy posts. So maybe I'll start lying to the Habit Clock. We'll see. Is it honest if I'm honest about when I lie? Quite a moral dilemna.

I've spent almost 4 hours in a coffee shop which, to a college student, is no long at all. For a "grown-up" like me, however, it's a lifetime. I think I've been pretty productive. I don't have much to show for it, but I think what I've done today will help me in the future.

Right now I'm drinking a glass of red wine, listening to Better Than Ezra's "Desperately Wanting" and waiting on my super cute boyfriend to come drink with me before we go see "The Tourist" at the $2 Theatre. Does life get much better than this? Probably not. Unless of course, my super cute boyfriend decides to play at the Open Mic hosted at this coffeeshop. There's almost nothing better than watching him play. Gah, I'm such a groupie.