It's all happening!
We're writing a screenplay! We're submitting a scene from a larger idea for a contest--so I can't talk about it. It's a SECRET. (yes, it's Kind Of A Big Deal.)
If we advance to the next round, we'll tell EVERYONE. If not, we'll never speak of it again.
So wish us luck!
No matter what happens, I'm proud of us.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Fessin' Up (Keeping It Real)
I'm out of balance. Balance in one's life is difficult to achieve for most people, but I'm also stubborn and undisciplined so it's especially difficult for me. I've been working a lot--well, 4 nights of work doesn't seem like a lot and isn't for most people but I'm also trying to continue the daily routine I had when I was working during the day. That's the stubborn part. I'm also not doing what I need to do to be productive during the day. That's the undisciplined part.
The result is what you would see if my computer screen had eyes (and thank God it doesn't): I came home last night after 3am and too much coffee so I had a couple glasses of wine while watching my shows I had DVR'd. I fell asleep on the couch without a shower and in my makeup. I woke up at 7am and threw myself into my bed--shoving my clean, unfolded clothes into a corner of my bed--without a shower and without washing my face. I woke up around 11am realizing that it's Friday and I don't care because I'm not going to see my boyfriend for the next 4 days. I was pissed at myself for sleeping in my makeup and pissed that I have to pay what seems like a HUGE amount to the state for taxes and pissed that I haven't been to the grocery store and I had nothing to eat and pissed that I've inadvertently arranged my work schedule to be completely opposite my boyfriend's.
Most, if not all of today's stress was caused by... ME. Why am I unmotivated to make my life easier? Is it not enough sleep? Maybe. When I'm tired I'm cranky and irritable and irrational. And I write run ons and sentence fragments. One of these days I'll get it together. They say the first step to changing it is admitting the problem, right?
Here's hoping.
The result is what you would see if my computer screen had eyes (and thank God it doesn't): I came home last night after 3am and too much coffee so I had a couple glasses of wine while watching my shows I had DVR'd. I fell asleep on the couch without a shower and in my makeup. I woke up at 7am and threw myself into my bed--shoving my clean, unfolded clothes into a corner of my bed--without a shower and without washing my face. I woke up around 11am realizing that it's Friday and I don't care because I'm not going to see my boyfriend for the next 4 days. I was pissed at myself for sleeping in my makeup and pissed that I have to pay what seems like a HUGE amount to the state for taxes and pissed that I haven't been to the grocery store and I had nothing to eat and pissed that I've inadvertently arranged my work schedule to be completely opposite my boyfriend's.
Most, if not all of today's stress was caused by... ME. Why am I unmotivated to make my life easier? Is it not enough sleep? Maybe. When I'm tired I'm cranky and irritable and irrational. And I write run ons and sentence fragments. One of these days I'll get it together. They say the first step to changing it is admitting the problem, right?
Here's hoping.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Warts and all.
You know those life changing moments when everything gets very quiet--so much so that you may have gone deaf for a minute--and you get very still and it seems like the whole world slows down to allow the change that is happening inside of you and you are anxious because you want to hold onto this feeling and share it with everyone you know but you're not sure how because it's too powerful for you to release?
I just had one of those. I just had a wake-up call. I read a blog post that a friend re-posted on FB and then I read the post that inspired the first. It made me really look at myself and I don't like some of what I see.
I think it's obvious to everyone that I'm not perfect. I don't even really try to be because I believe it's futile, but despite that, sometimes I really wish I was. And it's in those moments of hating myself for something--almost always about some aspect of the way I look: my skin has broken out or I feel fat or my hair doesn't look like I want it too--that I start comparing myself to other people. And it makes me feel worse.
Sometimes I feel worse because when I compare myself to someone else, I find myself lacking. I'm not as pretty or as thin or my skin/hair/posture isn't as good as hers. But it's when I start thinking "my ____ is better than hers" that I really start feeling bad. What right do I have to judge anyone on the way they look? The Universe has a way of reminding me of this. As soon as I judge a girl to have bad skin, my face breaks out. As soon as I judge someone to be too heavy, I'll have an attack of insecurity about my body.
Like the post I linked says, all this happens because I don't love myself enough to love other people. I've heard that said for years, but I've never really thought about it so much. I judge people for the flaws I find in myself. I knew this when I was a small child--when I was mad at my brother for something he did. I knew that I was mad because I was hating the thing in me that I saw in him. I may have been 10, probably younger. And over 20 years later, I'm still doing the same thing.
It's a continuous journey. The first step is realization. The next step is action. I don't know how to make myself love myself over night but I do know that being nice to people makes me feel better about myself so I'm going to give that a try. Instead of being envious of someone tonight, I'm going to pay them a compliment.
From one imperfect person to another: you're beautiful the way you are, warts and all.
I just had one of those. I just had a wake-up call. I read a blog post that a friend re-posted on FB and then I read the post that inspired the first. It made me really look at myself and I don't like some of what I see.
I think it's obvious to everyone that I'm not perfect. I don't even really try to be because I believe it's futile, but despite that, sometimes I really wish I was. And it's in those moments of hating myself for something--almost always about some aspect of the way I look: my skin has broken out or I feel fat or my hair doesn't look like I want it too--that I start comparing myself to other people. And it makes me feel worse.
Sometimes I feel worse because when I compare myself to someone else, I find myself lacking. I'm not as pretty or as thin or my skin/hair/posture isn't as good as hers. But it's when I start thinking "my ____ is better than hers" that I really start feeling bad. What right do I have to judge anyone on the way they look? The Universe has a way of reminding me of this. As soon as I judge a girl to have bad skin, my face breaks out. As soon as I judge someone to be too heavy, I'll have an attack of insecurity about my body.
Like the post I linked says, all this happens because I don't love myself enough to love other people. I've heard that said for years, but I've never really thought about it so much. I judge people for the flaws I find in myself. I knew this when I was a small child--when I was mad at my brother for something he did. I knew that I was mad because I was hating the thing in me that I saw in him. I may have been 10, probably younger. And over 20 years later, I'm still doing the same thing.
It's a continuous journey. The first step is realization. The next step is action. I don't know how to make myself love myself over night but I do know that being nice to people makes me feel better about myself so I'm going to give that a try. Instead of being envious of someone tonight, I'm going to pay them a compliment.
From one imperfect person to another: you're beautiful the way you are, warts and all.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
It's a pretty good substitute.
I can't write about what I want to write about today. I need more time to process and think. So I'm going to post one of my favorite poems instead. I think it's especially appropriate during Lent.
Batter My Heart by John Donne
Batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town to another due,
Labor to admit you, but oh, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be lov'd fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy;
Divorce me,'untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
Batter My Heart by John Donne
Batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town to another due,
Labor to admit you, but oh, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be lov'd fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy;
Divorce me,'untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Eat, Pray, Love: Read, Watch, Dissect, Discuss
So I'm watching Eat, Pray, Love on cable. I stopped it just as she arrived in India to come up here and write. I LOVE the book. I know it by heart. I know every scene, which makes it hard to watch the movie.
The movie is not the book. I concede that it must have been extremely difficult to put into images something so abstract and introspective as finding oneself and even more so, finding God. However, it also makes me sad that in order to reach the audience they wanted, the film makers had to inject a few explanations to the objections I guess they felt every American would have to Liz Gilbert's "crazy" journey. The scene I'm specifically thinking about is in the pizzeria in Naples where she justifies her calorie binge to her Swedish friend who refuses to eat anymore because she is developing a "muffin-top." She says she is "through with the guilt." In the book, there is no justification needed. Her soul and her body were starved... the beautiful food in Italy was feeding her body and nourishing her soul. It disappointed me to watch that scene knowing that the filmmakers believed that without it, no American woman would believe this journey... instead of seeing themselves in Liz, they would see the story as a fairy tale. As a smaller indie movie with less of a star (not trying for the big blockbuster audience whom Julia Roberts attracts), this scene wouldn't be necessary. That just makes me sad for mainstream America.
It is a fairytale in a way... not just anyone can pick up in the middle of their life and leave for a year long search for themselves. But why not? As soon as I wrote that, a million reasons began listing themselves in my brain. So maybe it should be mandatory. Wouldn't that be something if when you turned, oh, 34, you got a ticket in the mail. For your year long sabbatical. And a maid, nanny, temp, whatever you needed at your door to help pick up where you left off. What would we discover about ourselves? Would there be utter chaos or peace? I can't even say for certain what my life would look like.
The book (and I hope the movie, when all is said and done) is about finding God. I guess that's why there are so many books, CDs, DVDs, lectures, retreats etc. on finding God in everyday life. There are very few of us that are able to take time out for that journey in the middle of our lives. Sure, you can look during that year between high school and college... but where does God go when you grow into a mother (or father?) How do you stay in touch through all the changes He brings your way?
Again, Liz's book can answer that: it takes work. She was able to take this trip because she worked for it: it was her book advance that allowed her to go. She felt motivated for this trip because she wanted to change herself--that is some serious work. After watching a couple recorded lectures of hers and interviews with her, I feel confident saying that coming back and promoting the book, accepting all the accolades and trying to write her follow-up bestseller were definitely work for her.
So I guess work can look like leisure and leisure can look like work (if you're a Type A personality.) I have to believe this because I've been unemployed for about 7 months now. The work I'm doing is INTERNAL, people! Geez. (and I'm laughing at myself.)
I'm going to head back downstairs to finish the movie--I have things to do today after all. (I DO!) And I'm going to watch it with the same non-judgmental attitude I desire from everyone whose opinion I care about. I'm going to accept it for what it is and not compare it (or try my best not to) with my beloved book. It might take some work, but it will be worth it.
The movie is not the book. I concede that it must have been extremely difficult to put into images something so abstract and introspective as finding oneself and even more so, finding God. However, it also makes me sad that in order to reach the audience they wanted, the film makers had to inject a few explanations to the objections I guess they felt every American would have to Liz Gilbert's "crazy" journey. The scene I'm specifically thinking about is in the pizzeria in Naples where she justifies her calorie binge to her Swedish friend who refuses to eat anymore because she is developing a "muffin-top." She says she is "through with the guilt." In the book, there is no justification needed. Her soul and her body were starved... the beautiful food in Italy was feeding her body and nourishing her soul. It disappointed me to watch that scene knowing that the filmmakers believed that without it, no American woman would believe this journey... instead of seeing themselves in Liz, they would see the story as a fairy tale. As a smaller indie movie with less of a star (not trying for the big blockbuster audience whom Julia Roberts attracts), this scene wouldn't be necessary. That just makes me sad for mainstream America.
It is a fairytale in a way... not just anyone can pick up in the middle of their life and leave for a year long search for themselves. But why not? As soon as I wrote that, a million reasons began listing themselves in my brain. So maybe it should be mandatory. Wouldn't that be something if when you turned, oh, 34, you got a ticket in the mail. For your year long sabbatical. And a maid, nanny, temp, whatever you needed at your door to help pick up where you left off. What would we discover about ourselves? Would there be utter chaos or peace? I can't even say for certain what my life would look like.
The book (and I hope the movie, when all is said and done) is about finding God. I guess that's why there are so many books, CDs, DVDs, lectures, retreats etc. on finding God in everyday life. There are very few of us that are able to take time out for that journey in the middle of our lives. Sure, you can look during that year between high school and college... but where does God go when you grow into a mother (or father?) How do you stay in touch through all the changes He brings your way?
Again, Liz's book can answer that: it takes work. She was able to take this trip because she worked for it: it was her book advance that allowed her to go. She felt motivated for this trip because she wanted to change herself--that is some serious work. After watching a couple recorded lectures of hers and interviews with her, I feel confident saying that coming back and promoting the book, accepting all the accolades and trying to write her follow-up bestseller were definitely work for her.
So I guess work can look like leisure and leisure can look like work (if you're a Type A personality.) I have to believe this because I've been unemployed for about 7 months now. The work I'm doing is INTERNAL, people! Geez. (and I'm laughing at myself.)
I'm going to head back downstairs to finish the movie--I have things to do today after all. (I DO!) And I'm going to watch it with the same non-judgmental attitude I desire from everyone whose opinion I care about. I'm going to accept it for what it is and not compare it (or try my best not to) with my beloved book. It might take some work, but it will be worth it.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Don't Worry, Be Happy
To all you worrywarts out there: Stop worrying.
That might be as easily said and as hard to stop as Stop breathing, but it's just as necessary for life as continuing to breathe.
Ceasing to worry was one of the themes in Mass on Sunday and it really stuck with me. Nobody increases their lifespan by worrying. Actually, there's not one thing that is benefitted by worrying. So that's why I don't worry. Well, I do worry about some things but not others... and there are people that think I should be a little more worried about things than I am.
To them I say, don't be like me. Make sure you achieve the perfect balance of being appropriately worried and responsible. And let me know how that turns out.
That might be as easily said and as hard to stop as Stop breathing, but it's just as necessary for life as continuing to breathe.
Ceasing to worry was one of the themes in Mass on Sunday and it really stuck with me. Nobody increases their lifespan by worrying. Actually, there's not one thing that is benefitted by worrying. So that's why I don't worry. Well, I do worry about some things but not others... and there are people that think I should be a little more worried about things than I am.
To them I say, don't be like me. Make sure you achieve the perfect balance of being appropriately worried and responsible. And let me know how that turns out.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Honesty is refreshing.
Let's be honest...
I was kind of smashed when I wrote that last post. Sorry if that makes me seem unproductive, irresponsible or trashy, but well, it is what it is. It was a Saturday night and I was out with my boyfriend and his friend. We were about to go downtown (in a CAB--no driving for us!!) and I realized that I forgot to log my 20 minutes of writing in. I went to all that trouble to post a crappy entry but forgot to do it again yesterday so my clock starts over again at Day 1 today.
Maybe that's a good thing... too much pressure to post and remembering at the last minute has made for a few really crappy posts. So maybe I'll start lying to the Habit Clock. We'll see. Is it honest if I'm honest about when I lie? Quite a moral dilemna.
I've spent almost 4 hours in a coffee shop which, to a college student, is no long at all. For a "grown-up" like me, however, it's a lifetime. I think I've been pretty productive. I don't have much to show for it, but I think what I've done today will help me in the future.
Right now I'm drinking a glass of red wine, listening to Better Than Ezra's "Desperately Wanting" and waiting on my super cute boyfriend to come drink with me before we go see "The Tourist" at the $2 Theatre. Does life get much better than this? Probably not. Unless of course, my super cute boyfriend decides to play at the Open Mic hosted at this coffeeshop. There's almost nothing better than watching him play. Gah, I'm such a groupie.
I was kind of smashed when I wrote that last post. Sorry if that makes me seem unproductive, irresponsible or trashy, but well, it is what it is. It was a Saturday night and I was out with my boyfriend and his friend. We were about to go downtown (in a CAB--no driving for us!!) and I realized that I forgot to log my 20 minutes of writing in. I went to all that trouble to post a crappy entry but forgot to do it again yesterday so my clock starts over again at Day 1 today.
Maybe that's a good thing... too much pressure to post and remembering at the last minute has made for a few really crappy posts. So maybe I'll start lying to the Habit Clock. We'll see. Is it honest if I'm honest about when I lie? Quite a moral dilemna.
I've spent almost 4 hours in a coffee shop which, to a college student, is no long at all. For a "grown-up" like me, however, it's a lifetime. I think I've been pretty productive. I don't have much to show for it, but I think what I've done today will help me in the future.
Right now I'm drinking a glass of red wine, listening to Better Than Ezra's "Desperately Wanting" and waiting on my super cute boyfriend to come drink with me before we go see "The Tourist" at the $2 Theatre. Does life get much better than this? Probably not. Unless of course, my super cute boyfriend decides to play at the Open Mic hosted at this coffeeshop. There's almost nothing better than watching him play. Gah, I'm such a groupie.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
See what she's saying...
We're waiting for a cab to come pick us up but I wanted to get this down before I forgot.
Okay, the cabbie just called and we have 10 minutes before he gets here and he's usually early.
Tonight we went to see a friend perform and she was amazing. She truly has a gift.
During one of her songs, I was sure I saw--really saw, with my eyes--what she was singing. Not just what she was singing ABOUT, but what she was actually singing. It was amazing. And it was not the result of any hallucinogenic substances. It was the mood she created with her song and her music.
I would love to have a bar where people paint what they feel from the live music being performed. Now that would be amazing.
Kyshona Armstrong's gift is truly from God. I can feel God's presence when she sings and I feel blessed to listen to her. I hope she continues her musical ministry... I bet she is reaching more people than she even knows.
Okay, the cabbie just called and we have 10 minutes before he gets here and he's usually early.
Tonight we went to see a friend perform and she was amazing. She truly has a gift.
During one of her songs, I was sure I saw--really saw, with my eyes--what she was singing. Not just what she was singing ABOUT, but what she was actually singing. It was amazing. And it was not the result of any hallucinogenic substances. It was the mood she created with her song and her music.
I would love to have a bar where people paint what they feel from the live music being performed. Now that would be amazing.
Kyshona Armstrong's gift is truly from God. I can feel God's presence when she sings and I feel blessed to listen to her. I hope she continues her musical ministry... I bet she is reaching more people than she even knows.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Words make the Man. (or Woman.)
There's been a lot of words tonight. Helping, challenging, encouraging, honest words. Tonight is unique in that I was able to let down my guard and actually talk about a subject that I find difficult to talk about. And once my guard was down, I was open to talk for hours. I think I learned a lot tonight... I hope that the 4 beers (I also ate a lot, so don't freak out) didn't stop my brain from absorbing the good advice I was given.
I have some advice for all my creative breathren out there: it's amazing to find someone creative to be in a relationship with. I highly recommend it. There is nothing quite like sharing ideas, stories, theories and advice with someone who knows where you're coming from.
Courage. It takes courage to do what you think you're meant to do. Maybe it seems that shouldn't be the case but there are always lots of reasons not to do something-even if you believe it's what you're meant to do. Courage is what will help you get past the doubts and the naysayers and in so deep that what you want to do--and believe is your destiny--will be as much a part of you as a limb.
Expectations. Should. Can't. These words suck. For me, they suck. These words make me think of everything I'm not and that list could go on forever. What am I going to do with that list? I think that in order beat it, I have to look at it as if it was written by an enemy instead of a well-meaning friend. I remember when my former boss took me aside one day and told me that even if I finished at the top of my game, I would only be 40% to my goal. Of course, that would be awful because it would be a significant pay decrease and would decrease my standing in the office as well. I was so pissed that his expectation of me was so low that I worked even harder and surpassed anyone in the office. I didn't realize until later that he may have manipulated me but by that time I had reaped most of the monetary benefits and I didn't really mind.
It's hard to manipulate me twice though, so I never did quite as well at the job again. I had seen what it took to do what needed to be done and I just wasn't willing to give that up again. I lasted for a few more months at that job and then it was the end for us.
So I know I have the drive, determination and willpower. I just need to find the courage inside myself to step out in Faith. Everyday I get a little stronger.
I have some advice for all my creative breathren out there: it's amazing to find someone creative to be in a relationship with. I highly recommend it. There is nothing quite like sharing ideas, stories, theories and advice with someone who knows where you're coming from.
Courage. It takes courage to do what you think you're meant to do. Maybe it seems that shouldn't be the case but there are always lots of reasons not to do something-even if you believe it's what you're meant to do. Courage is what will help you get past the doubts and the naysayers and in so deep that what you want to do--and believe is your destiny--will be as much a part of you as a limb.
Expectations. Should. Can't. These words suck. For me, they suck. These words make me think of everything I'm not and that list could go on forever. What am I going to do with that list? I think that in order beat it, I have to look at it as if it was written by an enemy instead of a well-meaning friend. I remember when my former boss took me aside one day and told me that even if I finished at the top of my game, I would only be 40% to my goal. Of course, that would be awful because it would be a significant pay decrease and would decrease my standing in the office as well. I was so pissed that his expectation of me was so low that I worked even harder and surpassed anyone in the office. I didn't realize until later that he may have manipulated me but by that time I had reaped most of the monetary benefits and I didn't really mind.
It's hard to manipulate me twice though, so I never did quite as well at the job again. I had seen what it took to do what needed to be done and I just wasn't willing to give that up again. I lasted for a few more months at that job and then it was the end for us.
So I know I have the drive, determination and willpower. I just need to find the courage inside myself to step out in Faith. Everyday I get a little stronger.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Time for a Quickie
This is going to be quick since I have a list of things to do before I lose the rest of my evening and all of my night to the Bermuda Triangle/Wormhole/Time Suck that is my current place of employment.
I was thinking today about anger. The phrase "Don't make me angry, you won't like me when I'm angry" often runs through my mind. I think it's funny and it usually gets a laugh when used in the right situation. I'm pretty sure it's from The Incredible Hulk, although I'm not sure if it's an exact quote. The point is, this phrase that I find so hilarious is from a movie (and a comic book, I know) about a man who turns into a monster when he gets angry. His anger so overtakes him that he loses himself and hurts people he would never want to hurt. The character's monster is huge and green with bulging veins, a roaring mouth and a significantly reduced vocabulary.
I can turn into a monster when I'm angry too. I'm pretty sure mine is more red in color and more like a tornado than a giant. I've been so mad before that my vision becomes blurred. The thing is, it actually feels good to let go and be mad like that. Of course, if I allow myself to totally lose control, I'm always ashamed and embarrassed once I've cooled down. It always seems to me that no matter now much I feel like someone deserved it or how righteously angry I am, I should always be in control of myself. You can never un-say something and it doesn't matter how many times you apologize or how you make amends. There are wounds that don't heal and they can be caused with words.
On the flip side is the pain that people suffer when they are afraid to get angry. I know people that never really allow themselves to get mad. Expressing one's anger in a healthy way can be very beneficial...(yeah, references? forget it.) I've learned through experience that unexpressed anger can turn inward and cause me to tear myself apart (psychically, not literally. that would be gross.) Sometimes all it takes for me is a good run or to throw and break something (not throw something at a person, I'm talking about breaking a plate in a controlled environment) to work out the angry energy so that I can think rationally again.
In a heated argument, I have been the one that completely loses control and I have also been the one that maintains control and watches as my opponent goes crazy. I can tell you which I always prefer--there's nothing quite as satisfying as watching someone you are really mad at get angry at you for staying so cool. Getting satisfaction out of another's misery is probably not totally psychologically healthy, but in the white hot heat of a serious argument, it beats doing something you'd regret. And hey, I'm not an expert and I never said I was the picture of mental health.
What about you? How do you keep your monster in check?
I was thinking today about anger. The phrase "Don't make me angry, you won't like me when I'm angry" often runs through my mind. I think it's funny and it usually gets a laugh when used in the right situation. I'm pretty sure it's from The Incredible Hulk, although I'm not sure if it's an exact quote. The point is, this phrase that I find so hilarious is from a movie (and a comic book, I know) about a man who turns into a monster when he gets angry. His anger so overtakes him that he loses himself and hurts people he would never want to hurt. The character's monster is huge and green with bulging veins, a roaring mouth and a significantly reduced vocabulary.
I can turn into a monster when I'm angry too. I'm pretty sure mine is more red in color and more like a tornado than a giant. I've been so mad before that my vision becomes blurred. The thing is, it actually feels good to let go and be mad like that. Of course, if I allow myself to totally lose control, I'm always ashamed and embarrassed once I've cooled down. It always seems to me that no matter now much I feel like someone deserved it or how righteously angry I am, I should always be in control of myself. You can never un-say something and it doesn't matter how many times you apologize or how you make amends. There are wounds that don't heal and they can be caused with words.
On the flip side is the pain that people suffer when they are afraid to get angry. I know people that never really allow themselves to get mad. Expressing one's anger in a healthy way can be very beneficial...(yeah, references? forget it.) I've learned through experience that unexpressed anger can turn inward and cause me to tear myself apart (psychically, not literally. that would be gross.) Sometimes all it takes for me is a good run or to throw and break something (not throw something at a person, I'm talking about breaking a plate in a controlled environment) to work out the angry energy so that I can think rationally again.
In a heated argument, I have been the one that completely loses control and I have also been the one that maintains control and watches as my opponent goes crazy. I can tell you which I always prefer--there's nothing quite as satisfying as watching someone you are really mad at get angry at you for staying so cool. Getting satisfaction out of another's misery is probably not totally psychologically healthy, but in the white hot heat of a serious argument, it beats doing something you'd regret. And hey, I'm not an expert and I never said I was the picture of mental health.
What about you? How do you keep your monster in check?
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The Next 20 Minutes
Alright, I missed yesterday. The clock starts back at Zero. Not much I could do about it though... I was traveling and then on a date! It really does seem that there is not enough time in the day. Actually, anyone who knows me that just read that sentence has got to be cracking up--I'm not the most efficient person in the world, although I can put it into gear and get my stuff done when I need to.
Anyway. I had a list of things I could write about today but I'm going to scrap it. I'm such a rebel. Instead I'm going to write about wasting time and is Wasted Time Really Wasted?
I could probably write for 3 hours on the ways to waste time on the internet but that would actually be a waste, so I won't. There are already articles written on how much time people waste at work so I won't worry about quantity. How about the gray areas? Like naps or Facebook?
Naps, I've been happily learning, are not as much a waste as I once thought. Apparently, sleeping more can help you lose weight! And improve brain functions like reflexes, memory, problem solving skills and chipperness. (Sorry, no references... you'll just have to trust me.) I know for me, a 1 hour nap which could be used job hunting will actually enable me to stay up until 3am today and allow me to be a--mostly--happy and attentive bartender for 8 hours. Of course the argument could be made that that time might be better spent looking for a job that will help me get out of bartending, but listen people, these bills aren't going to pay themselves. I tried that when I was 19--it didn't work out so well for me. So besides making me happier, my landlord also appreciates my napping.
Facebook is a notorious time waster in the workplace, it's true. I know it's true because companies have spent money to find out why productivity is low and articles have been written about that also. (What's a reference?) I can't say that I've seen it in action though, because for me, Facebook is more like work. I have friends all over the country and keeping up with what's going on in their lives is very demanding. Not to mention emotionally draining--looking at pictures of all the fun my friends are having in their lives sometimes makes me wish I was doing what they're doing which causes hours of introspection--where is my life going? what am I doing? what is my plan? why didn't I go teach English in Japan?--after which I have to build myself back up and convince myself that I am exactly where God wants me to be right now. (Naps help with that too--see above paragraph.)
My biggest time waster? Computer solitaire. I have to play until I win and once I win and I'm in the black (I play with Vegas standards) I want to keep playing. It's compulsive. I need help. I'll think about that during my nap that I'm about to take to make me a better bartender.
Anyway. I had a list of things I could write about today but I'm going to scrap it. I'm such a rebel. Instead I'm going to write about wasting time and is Wasted Time Really Wasted?
I could probably write for 3 hours on the ways to waste time on the internet but that would actually be a waste, so I won't. There are already articles written on how much time people waste at work so I won't worry about quantity. How about the gray areas? Like naps or Facebook?
Naps, I've been happily learning, are not as much a waste as I once thought. Apparently, sleeping more can help you lose weight! And improve brain functions like reflexes, memory, problem solving skills and chipperness. (Sorry, no references... you'll just have to trust me.) I know for me, a 1 hour nap which could be used job hunting will actually enable me to stay up until 3am today and allow me to be a--mostly--happy and attentive bartender for 8 hours. Of course the argument could be made that that time might be better spent looking for a job that will help me get out of bartending, but listen people, these bills aren't going to pay themselves. I tried that when I was 19--it didn't work out so well for me. So besides making me happier, my landlord also appreciates my napping.
Facebook is a notorious time waster in the workplace, it's true. I know it's true because companies have spent money to find out why productivity is low and articles have been written about that also. (What's a reference?) I can't say that I've seen it in action though, because for me, Facebook is more like work. I have friends all over the country and keeping up with what's going on in their lives is very demanding. Not to mention emotionally draining--looking at pictures of all the fun my friends are having in their lives sometimes makes me wish I was doing what they're doing which causes hours of introspection--where is my life going? what am I doing? what is my plan? why didn't I go teach English in Japan?--after which I have to build myself back up and convince myself that I am exactly where God wants me to be right now. (Naps help with that too--see above paragraph.)
My biggest time waster? Computer solitaire. I have to play until I win and once I win and I'm in the black (I play with Vegas standards) I want to keep playing. It's compulsive. I need help. I'll think about that during my nap that I'm about to take to make me a better bartender.
Monday, February 21, 2011
The First 20 Minutes
So I've made this deal with myself that for the next 21 days I will write for 20 mins a day. Now that I think about it, that is an awful long time and I promise I'm not going to have 20 mins worth of rattling on here on this page... considering I type what I'm thinking in a stream-of-consciousness style and I type probably 80 wpm (it's been a long time since I've timed myself), that would equal about, well, 2000 pages or so. I can safely predict that I would do that once. And I would like to apologize to anyone reading this for the next 21 days. This isn't for you. It's for me. According to research (that I didn't do and don't have on hand to reference) it takes 21 days to create a habit. And unlike many other habits I have, this is one I want to develop and keep. So set the timer, boys. Here we go.
I've been watching a lot of TV lately (see: habits I want to STOP immediately.) Although most TV is crap (with a few exceptions that have made my life better for having seen them, like The Office. And Justified. And The Soup) I just finished watching a special Behind the Scenes Look at SNL. This show has been on longer than I've been alive which, in this age of perpetual youth, is a very long time. Most of the actors that were on the show are still alive, with a few very notable tragedies. The interviews with current and former cast and crew were amazing. The special was 2 hours long (1 hour, 11 mins w/o commercials, thank you DVR) but I could have sat and watched it all day long.
I got so nostalgic that I thought my heart would burst out of my chest when I saw Billy Joel performing We Didn't Start the Fire live. He was so young. He was thin and beautiful and probably doped out of his mind, but so vibrant. As the song played, a montage of all the stories from Weekend Update played over it so that the events in the song coincided with news events over time. Those montages always get me. History condensed into 3 minutes and 40 seconds. How much life was lived in the 40 years spanned in that song? I was a kid when that song came out and it had very little meaning to me then. I got the Cola Wars reference--or thought I did--but I didn't understand the old guys saying "I remember when [that] happened." Sadly, now I do. A brand new song complete with montage could be written about the 20 years since.
With so much awareness of the world these days, it seems history is being made every second. Technology is advancing almost faster than we can keep up with it. Actually, I think the only people who can really keep up with it are the people creating it... until it gets away from even them. There is a big part of me that longs to be in the midst of all this creation chaos. I want to be thrown back into the Golden Age of SNL and feel the history and power of this comedic institution. But then I think of what Lorne Michaels said "Everyone talks about the Golden Age and I was there, it wasn't so golden."
So I have to be happy with where I am right now in this moment. That doesn't mean that I can't plan for the future or hide myself away in a box to keep the longing at bay, but that I have to live each moment now because they are fading so fast soon it could all just be a montage.
Morose. Maudlin. Resigned. Sad sack. These are the words that came to mind as soon as I wrote that last sentence. I need to read www.damnyouautocorrect.com again. My time is almost up. (my 20 mins I mean... those 5 words could be interpreted any which way and particularly negatively on the heels of the first 5 words of this paragraph.)
What if instead of feeling like I've already missed out on something, I actively seek out my own future montage? What if I sign up to be a history creator instead of a reader and observer? Maybe that will be the subject of my next 20 mins.
I've been watching a lot of TV lately (see: habits I want to STOP immediately.) Although most TV is crap (with a few exceptions that have made my life better for having seen them, like The Office. And Justified. And The Soup) I just finished watching a special Behind the Scenes Look at SNL. This show has been on longer than I've been alive which, in this age of perpetual youth, is a very long time. Most of the actors that were on the show are still alive, with a few very notable tragedies. The interviews with current and former cast and crew were amazing. The special was 2 hours long (1 hour, 11 mins w/o commercials, thank you DVR) but I could have sat and watched it all day long.
I got so nostalgic that I thought my heart would burst out of my chest when I saw Billy Joel performing We Didn't Start the Fire live. He was so young. He was thin and beautiful and probably doped out of his mind, but so vibrant. As the song played, a montage of all the stories from Weekend Update played over it so that the events in the song coincided with news events over time. Those montages always get me. History condensed into 3 minutes and 40 seconds. How much life was lived in the 40 years spanned in that song? I was a kid when that song came out and it had very little meaning to me then. I got the Cola Wars reference--or thought I did--but I didn't understand the old guys saying "I remember when [that] happened." Sadly, now I do. A brand new song complete with montage could be written about the 20 years since.
With so much awareness of the world these days, it seems history is being made every second. Technology is advancing almost faster than we can keep up with it. Actually, I think the only people who can really keep up with it are the people creating it... until it gets away from even them. There is a big part of me that longs to be in the midst of all this creation chaos. I want to be thrown back into the Golden Age of SNL and feel the history and power of this comedic institution. But then I think of what Lorne Michaels said "Everyone talks about the Golden Age and I was there, it wasn't so golden."
So I have to be happy with where I am right now in this moment. That doesn't mean that I can't plan for the future or hide myself away in a box to keep the longing at bay, but that I have to live each moment now because they are fading so fast soon it could all just be a montage.
Morose. Maudlin. Resigned. Sad sack. These are the words that came to mind as soon as I wrote that last sentence. I need to read www.damnyouautocorrect.com again. My time is almost up. (my 20 mins I mean... those 5 words could be interpreted any which way and particularly negatively on the heels of the first 5 words of this paragraph.)
What if instead of feeling like I've already missed out on something, I actively seek out my own future montage? What if I sign up to be a history creator instead of a reader and observer? Maybe that will be the subject of my next 20 mins.
Friday, January 28, 2011
To Get What You've Never Had, You Must Do What You've Never Done.
It's Friday!
That doesn't mean much when you're unemployed. I'm chuckling at myself because it sounds like I'm depressed but really, it's true. Everyday can be Friday. The best part about a real Friday though is that all my employed friends can now play with me.
At the beginning of this month I was inspired to blog about everyday on the Daniel Fast. As you can see, I haven't done that. I am excellent at starting projects and awful at finishing them. It's the Gemini in me... wait, now I'm a Taurus! Why won't the stars tell me who I am?? How will I know what to expect from myself?! (yeah, just kidding.)
I refuse to say that I AM a procrastinator because that implies that it's part of my makeup and not easily changed. I will say instead that there is a procrastinator part of me that doesn't like change, no matter how good it could be, and digs in and holds on to whatever situation I find myself in at the moment. I don't like this procrastinator part. It makes me feel bad about myself and whatever I have going on in my life at the moment I encounter it. The procrastinator needs to be excised. But where is it? I hope it's in the fat on my thighs and stomach. That would just be another reason why I should be in the pool right now instead of procrastinating in front of my computer.
All this to say: Things are going well. I need to focus on the positive so as to activate the motivated side of me which must be residing in the atrophying muscles in my legs and arms (until a couple weeks ago, it had been a while since I was physically active in any mentionable way.)
So. Positives: the Daniel Fast has been going well. It's almost the end of the month and it's been difficult. I may have cheated a few times with evaporated cane sugar but it was the Fast that led me to find a healthier sweetener than evil white sugar so I'll still count that as a win.
*I've been swimming pretty regularly and am falling back in love with it. I actually have to make myself stop swimming and get out of the pool. It's awesome.
*I bought a couple of kettlebells and as soon as I get into some sort of a routine in the morning, I'm going to add them in. I have a workout DVD from Jillian Michaels that scares me. I can't wait.
*I've been experimenting with vegan cooking and while I don't think I can make it a permanent lifestyle change, I can definitely incorporate more vegan meals into my life.
*I'm having fun swimming, kettlebell-ing, bellydancing and have just added swing dancing to my activities and I'm keeping an eye on the triathlon coming up in June. I want to be in great shape for this--I need to shave an hour off of my time!
*I may have started a new business... I'm still working out a few things before I want to go really really public with it (so both of you that read this, keep quiet for now) but I think it will be very good in the long run.
*Things with the boy are going well. There are some speedbumps but definitely less than any other relationship I've ever been in. He's pretty awesome.
That worked. I find myself remembering a saying on a wall somewhere: In order to get the things you've never had, you have to first do the things you've never done. After Googling that quote to make sure it's correct, I found this: "Do what you should do, when you should do it, whether you feel like it or not." (Thomas Huxley.)
And I'm off to do it.
That doesn't mean much when you're unemployed. I'm chuckling at myself because it sounds like I'm depressed but really, it's true. Everyday can be Friday. The best part about a real Friday though is that all my employed friends can now play with me.
At the beginning of this month I was inspired to blog about everyday on the Daniel Fast. As you can see, I haven't done that. I am excellent at starting projects and awful at finishing them. It's the Gemini in me... wait, now I'm a Taurus! Why won't the stars tell me who I am?? How will I know what to expect from myself?! (yeah, just kidding.)
I refuse to say that I AM a procrastinator because that implies that it's part of my makeup and not easily changed. I will say instead that there is a procrastinator part of me that doesn't like change, no matter how good it could be, and digs in and holds on to whatever situation I find myself in at the moment. I don't like this procrastinator part. It makes me feel bad about myself and whatever I have going on in my life at the moment I encounter it. The procrastinator needs to be excised. But where is it? I hope it's in the fat on my thighs and stomach. That would just be another reason why I should be in the pool right now instead of procrastinating in front of my computer.
All this to say: Things are going well. I need to focus on the positive so as to activate the motivated side of me which must be residing in the atrophying muscles in my legs and arms (until a couple weeks ago, it had been a while since I was physically active in any mentionable way.)
So. Positives: the Daniel Fast has been going well. It's almost the end of the month and it's been difficult. I may have cheated a few times with evaporated cane sugar but it was the Fast that led me to find a healthier sweetener than evil white sugar so I'll still count that as a win.
*I've been swimming pretty regularly and am falling back in love with it. I actually have to make myself stop swimming and get out of the pool. It's awesome.
*I bought a couple of kettlebells and as soon as I get into some sort of a routine in the morning, I'm going to add them in. I have a workout DVD from Jillian Michaels that scares me. I can't wait.
*I've been experimenting with vegan cooking and while I don't think I can make it a permanent lifestyle change, I can definitely incorporate more vegan meals into my life.
*I'm having fun swimming, kettlebell-ing, bellydancing and have just added swing dancing to my activities and I'm keeping an eye on the triathlon coming up in June. I want to be in great shape for this--I need to shave an hour off of my time!
*I may have started a new business... I'm still working out a few things before I want to go really really public with it (so both of you that read this, keep quiet for now) but I think it will be very good in the long run.
*Things with the boy are going well. There are some speedbumps but definitely less than any other relationship I've ever been in. He's pretty awesome.
That worked. I find myself remembering a saying on a wall somewhere: In order to get the things you've never had, you have to first do the things you've never done. After Googling that quote to make sure it's correct, I found this: "Do what you should do, when you should do it, whether you feel like it or not." (Thomas Huxley.)
And I'm off to do it.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Stuck.
So we've been stuck inside since Sunday night when it started snowing. It was beautiful and dangerous... I drove to my boyfriend's house at 1130pm after work. It had only been snowing an hour and already there were cars abandoned in ditches on either side of the bridge I had to cross to get here. The snow was so much fun to play in on Monday! We tried to go sledding--too much ice, made unmentionable snow creations (and tackled them), had snowball fights and generally had a great day.
But now it's Wednesday and I'm seriously going stir-crazy. I have a car with 4-wheel drive but there is still a lot of ice on the road and I wasn't clairvoyant enough to know that I would need snow chains this winter.
A major downfall of being stuck inside all day: online shopping. Seriously. I'm going to have to put my computer--all the computers, I can be pretty sneaky--under lock and key. So far I've bought:
1. Kettlebells
2. Kettlebell workout DVD
3. Perfume
4. A facial (it was one of those huge discount things)
5. A doggie spa day (another discount thing)
6. Sephora.
And I think that's it... I hope I'm not forgetting something. That's a couple hundred dollars right there. Yikes. Now I'm scaring myself. There's still the matter of food, gas and bills. And rent is about to go through.
So that's enough of that. I've been doing really well on my fast, so far. It's been a lot harder this year than in previous years. I don't have my good friend that also fasts to talk to as often, or maybe it's because I'm not shut away like I was last year when I was single and in cocoon-mode. Whatever the reason, I'm still praying daily that God will give me strength. I'm going to need to pray for the willpower to resist spending money when there is nothing else to do... (I just re-read that sentence and thought AMEN!!)
Well, here's to another week of trying to control myself in diet, impulses and willpower.
God give me strength.
But now it's Wednesday and I'm seriously going stir-crazy. I have a car with 4-wheel drive but there is still a lot of ice on the road and I wasn't clairvoyant enough to know that I would need snow chains this winter.
A major downfall of being stuck inside all day: online shopping. Seriously. I'm going to have to put my computer--all the computers, I can be pretty sneaky--under lock and key. So far I've bought:
1. Kettlebells
2. Kettlebell workout DVD
3. Perfume
4. A facial (it was one of those huge discount things)
5. A doggie spa day (another discount thing)
6. Sephora.
And I think that's it... I hope I'm not forgetting something. That's a couple hundred dollars right there. Yikes. Now I'm scaring myself. There's still the matter of food, gas and bills. And rent is about to go through.
So that's enough of that. I've been doing really well on my fast, so far. It's been a lot harder this year than in previous years. I don't have my good friend that also fasts to talk to as often, or maybe it's because I'm not shut away like I was last year when I was single and in cocoon-mode. Whatever the reason, I'm still praying daily that God will give me strength. I'm going to need to pray for the willpower to resist spending money when there is nothing else to do... (I just re-read that sentence and thought AMEN!!)
Well, here's to another week of trying to control myself in diet, impulses and willpower.
God give me strength.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Get your Fasting on....
Happy New Year!
For the past 2 years, I've been doing a fast for the month of January. It starts the year off right and helps me rediscover my relationship with God. Believe me, when you give up sugar, alcohol, caffeine and animal products, you need divine help. I have started with a 3 day juice fast the past couple of years so I decided to do that again this year. Funny story: A couple years ago I decided that I didn't need to do the juice fast and I didn't really pray about it. I thought I would just jump right into the Daniel fast. And then I came down with a stomach bug that wouldn't allow me to eat anything. For 3 days, exactly. I got the message.
There are lots of reasons to fast, but for me, fasting is a way to recover the discipline that slowly dissolves as the year goes on and a way for me to grow in my prayer life.
[Completely unrelated: at this moment my amazing boyfriend is sitting in front of me practicing new songs on his guitar while I try not to move or make a sound, lest he stop. He's killing it..... so talented. Yes, I'm bragging. I'm awed by and so proud of this man.]
Back to fasting: I decided that I will record each day of this fast. I'm nearing the end of Day 2 right now so I'll do a quick run-down of what yesterday held. Yesterday was Sunday and Day 1 of my fast. I woke up feeling pretty good, went to church and throughout the day, I felt pretty good. I drank approximately 8-10 smoothie/juice bottles (only 100% juice for these 3 days) and had to take a brief nap before I went to work at the bar, but so far, so good. Later that night is when I about lost my mind. I guess it was because I was up so late, running around without making a bunch of money that made me grumpy, but I think it was lack of calories and caffeine withdrawl. I was definitely cranky and so glad to get home around 1am.
Today (Monday) is Day 2. Today is so much better than yesterday. I woke up at 11am (actually startled awake by a dream of dropping something frozen and the sound of it exploding--so weird and so interesting) and wanted to say the Morning Offering (a prayer), something that I haven't said in a very long time. I didn't even remember it, I had to look it up. I applied for a loan I need to get a business I want to start off the ground, talked to the person who is going to help me make it happen, read a lot of the book I'm into ("Lit" by Mary Karr--so good) and finally made it to my boyfriends house so we could run errands.
I had a glass of V-8 this morning along with water and green tea that my boyfriend got me for Christmas. I had water throughout the day but nothing else until about 7pm. We were in Target and I was running seriously low on calories. I started feeling lightheaded and remember thinking, well, if I faint, at least the boy is here to save me. Thankfully we made it back to his house before I had to suffer that embarrassment.
So here I am writing and listening to this beautiful boy bring wood and steel to life in a way that lifts up and sends my soul soaring with his music. We're going to a local coffee house that hosts an Open Mic night where hopefully the boy will treat everyone to his music. I'll be drinking green tea, a change from my usual 3 glasses (or more) of wine (which caused the last Open Mic we went to to end in a few tears from me...it was pretty ugly) and I'm actually looking forward to not drinking.
I don't expect the night to hold much more than that for us, so I'll call this a good day.
For the past 2 years, I've been doing a fast for the month of January. It starts the year off right and helps me rediscover my relationship with God. Believe me, when you give up sugar, alcohol, caffeine and animal products, you need divine help. I have started with a 3 day juice fast the past couple of years so I decided to do that again this year. Funny story: A couple years ago I decided that I didn't need to do the juice fast and I didn't really pray about it. I thought I would just jump right into the Daniel fast. And then I came down with a stomach bug that wouldn't allow me to eat anything. For 3 days, exactly. I got the message.
There are lots of reasons to fast, but for me, fasting is a way to recover the discipline that slowly dissolves as the year goes on and a way for me to grow in my prayer life.
[Completely unrelated: at this moment my amazing boyfriend is sitting in front of me practicing new songs on his guitar while I try not to move or make a sound, lest he stop. He's killing it..... so talented. Yes, I'm bragging. I'm awed by and so proud of this man.]
Back to fasting: I decided that I will record each day of this fast. I'm nearing the end of Day 2 right now so I'll do a quick run-down of what yesterday held. Yesterday was Sunday and Day 1 of my fast. I woke up feeling pretty good, went to church and throughout the day, I felt pretty good. I drank approximately 8-10 smoothie/juice bottles (only 100% juice for these 3 days) and had to take a brief nap before I went to work at the bar, but so far, so good. Later that night is when I about lost my mind. I guess it was because I was up so late, running around without making a bunch of money that made me grumpy, but I think it was lack of calories and caffeine withdrawl. I was definitely cranky and so glad to get home around 1am.
Today (Monday) is Day 2. Today is so much better than yesterday. I woke up at 11am (actually startled awake by a dream of dropping something frozen and the sound of it exploding--so weird and so interesting) and wanted to say the Morning Offering (a prayer), something that I haven't said in a very long time. I didn't even remember it, I had to look it up. I applied for a loan I need to get a business I want to start off the ground, talked to the person who is going to help me make it happen, read a lot of the book I'm into ("Lit" by Mary Karr--so good) and finally made it to my boyfriends house so we could run errands.
I had a glass of V-8 this morning along with water and green tea that my boyfriend got me for Christmas. I had water throughout the day but nothing else until about 7pm. We were in Target and I was running seriously low on calories. I started feeling lightheaded and remember thinking, well, if I faint, at least the boy is here to save me. Thankfully we made it back to his house before I had to suffer that embarrassment.
So here I am writing and listening to this beautiful boy bring wood and steel to life in a way that lifts up and sends my soul soaring with his music. We're going to a local coffee house that hosts an Open Mic night where hopefully the boy will treat everyone to his music. I'll be drinking green tea, a change from my usual 3 glasses (or more) of wine (which caused the last Open Mic we went to to end in a few tears from me...it was pretty ugly) and I'm actually looking forward to not drinking.
I don't expect the night to hold much more than that for us, so I'll call this a good day.
Monday, December 6, 2010
I think this is called Repression
So I've been sitting at home all day trying to make myself clean my room and it just isn't happening. I have clothes everywhere--clean and dirty in piles that are bleeding into one another. My suitcases from my Thanksgiving trip are still out and still full... and on a good day there is only enough room to walk around my enormous bed in my tiny room, so it's pretty crowded. My closet is full of dirty Summerish clothes ever since it stopped being Summer that one day a few months ago.
I have no idea why I'm spilling all this except that I have a confessional streak and I haven't been to Confession in quite a while. Please forgive me for boring you.
I guess it's Time to Start Doing Something. Better late than never.
I have no idea why I'm spilling all this except that I have a confessional streak and I haven't been to Confession in quite a while. Please forgive me for boring you.
I guess it's Time to Start Doing Something. Better late than never.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Oh, Thanksgiving....
I'm incredibly grateful for this typical Thanksgiving holiday with (most of) my family.
There's the typical teasing from my dad, which on some occasions I'm equipped to handle but on this occasion, I apparently was not. Interaction with Dad is sometimes like a kill-or-be-killed situation. You either accept and deflect (and reflect) his teasing or you absorb it, internalize it and want to kill him by the end of your time together. In the second situation, both of you are miserable. Of course the first situation is preferable... but it takes a strong person to get to that place. Sometimes in my life I am that person, sometimes I'm not.
This year, I decided that I was going to try to start a diet the week of Thanksgiving. I know, it's hilarious to me now... I had a hard time writing that sentence. So I brought these recipes and successfully made 2 of them: a delicious soup and a poached salmon dish. The 3rd one that I just finished is not so pretty, but I hope it tastes good. Of course my family thinks I'm crazy for wanting to cook when we could just eat out for every meal and maybe they're right. It seemed like a good idea at the time since I have a bellydancing show in 2 weeks, but maybe that's the fault of the bellydancing planners... why the hell would anyone schedule anything that showcases the belly after Thanksgiving? Really?
So. The rundown:
*Great family time... and I'm going to miss these effers even though I might want to kill them right now.
*I accepted that some of my values will always be different than my family and I am always going to live up to the role of "The Sensitive One" no matter how much I try (maybe because of how much I try...)
*Steve will always be right: "You will never be what your parents expect you to be"
*I will always cut myself if I'm talking on the phone and wielding a sharp knife (esp when cutting difficult things like raw sweet potatoes)
And now I'm going to return to putting pressure on my thumb before I lose enough blood to pass out and scare my niece. I wonder if all that wine had something to do with my blood not clotting... probably not. :)
Happy Thanksgiving!!
There's the typical teasing from my dad, which on some occasions I'm equipped to handle but on this occasion, I apparently was not. Interaction with Dad is sometimes like a kill-or-be-killed situation. You either accept and deflect (and reflect) his teasing or you absorb it, internalize it and want to kill him by the end of your time together. In the second situation, both of you are miserable. Of course the first situation is preferable... but it takes a strong person to get to that place. Sometimes in my life I am that person, sometimes I'm not.
This year, I decided that I was going to try to start a diet the week of Thanksgiving. I know, it's hilarious to me now... I had a hard time writing that sentence. So I brought these recipes and successfully made 2 of them: a delicious soup and a poached salmon dish. The 3rd one that I just finished is not so pretty, but I hope it tastes good. Of course my family thinks I'm crazy for wanting to cook when we could just eat out for every meal and maybe they're right. It seemed like a good idea at the time since I have a bellydancing show in 2 weeks, but maybe that's the fault of the bellydancing planners... why the hell would anyone schedule anything that showcases the belly after Thanksgiving? Really?
So. The rundown:
*Great family time... and I'm going to miss these effers even though I might want to kill them right now.
*I accepted that some of my values will always be different than my family and I am always going to live up to the role of "The Sensitive One" no matter how much I try (maybe because of how much I try...)
*Steve will always be right: "You will never be what your parents expect you to be"
*I will always cut myself if I'm talking on the phone and wielding a sharp knife (esp when cutting difficult things like raw sweet potatoes)
And now I'm going to return to putting pressure on my thumb before I lose enough blood to pass out and scare my niece. I wonder if all that wine had something to do with my blood not clotting... probably not. :)
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
What they don't tell you about Unemployment.
Being unemployed gives me a lot of time to think. Maybe too much.
I've been told I "think too much" by a number of people over my lifetime and I think they are wrong. There are plenty of things I do too much of:
I've been told I "think too much" by a number of people over my lifetime and I think they are wrong. There are plenty of things I do too much of:
- I worry too much.
- I drink too much (not overall, but I go through phases)
- I fixate (obsess) too much on one idea or thought.
- I care too much (way too much) about what other people think.
- I spend too much.
As you can see, thinking too much is not on this list. Maybe if I actually thought more, I would have a shorter list.
Moderation is the key to happiness, or so they say, but maybe if I really did "think too much" I would have a list that looks like this:
- I volunteer too much.
- I solve the United Nations' problems too much (they really should learn to think for themselves.)
- I save orphans from burning buildings too much (just kidding. No one could ever do that too much. And another one to add to my list above: I use that expression too much.)
- I save too much.
- I take care of myself too much.
- I really listen to other people too much.
- I love too much.
Whoa. Now I'm thinking I need to write this list down and put it on my wall. That way I can look at it everyday and use my powers of fixating (obsessing) to pull it into my subconscious and in that way make it part of my intentions which will make it my reality.
Basically, I need to get out of the house more.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Honesty... and Portia de Rossi
I was watching Ellen yesterday and she was interviewing her wife, Portia de Rossi. Portia has written a book about her struggle with an eating disorder. It was a great interview partly because it's obvious how much they love each other and also because Portia was so raw and vulnerable. I don't know if she was like that in other interviews or if it was because she felt safe with Ellen, but she made me want to buy her book because of how honest she was.
It struck me just now that this is a book that's been written many times over, but I want to read it because it seems so honest. We are surrounded by so much artifice... shows that claim to be reality but have nothing to do with it, procedures that make us look like someone we're not, popular attitudes we can assume to hide our true feelings and still appear edgy and cool.
I can't pretend to know what is good for everyone, but I know what I want. I want honesty. I want someone I can connect with. We are increasingly disconnected from each other--conducting our business over phones, computers and other means that are great for business but bad for human interaction--and we are feeling increasingly alone.
Watching a woman cry on national TV because she still hasn't gotten over the death of her father almost 30 years ago is hard, and I admire that so much. I would love to see more people stop pretending and honestly relate to each other. It's in knowing that someone else feels the same as I do that I feel less alone.
I'm happy that I saw that interview. I'll probably go out and buy Portia's book... and maybe I'll actually talk to--and possibly connect with-- some humans while I'm in the bookstore.
It struck me just now that this is a book that's been written many times over, but I want to read it because it seems so honest. We are surrounded by so much artifice... shows that claim to be reality but have nothing to do with it, procedures that make us look like someone we're not, popular attitudes we can assume to hide our true feelings and still appear edgy and cool.
I can't pretend to know what is good for everyone, but I know what I want. I want honesty. I want someone I can connect with. We are increasingly disconnected from each other--conducting our business over phones, computers and other means that are great for business but bad for human interaction--and we are feeling increasingly alone.
Watching a woman cry on national TV because she still hasn't gotten over the death of her father almost 30 years ago is hard, and I admire that so much. I would love to see more people stop pretending and honestly relate to each other. It's in knowing that someone else feels the same as I do that I feel less alone.
I'm happy that I saw that interview. I'll probably go out and buy Portia's book... and maybe I'll actually talk to--and possibly connect with-- some humans while I'm in the bookstore.
Discipline... and REK
It's a beautiful thing to wake up without a hangover.
How do I know this? Today I woke up feeling wonderful, which is the complete opposite of the way I woke up yesterday morning. I know I've been a little too indulgent when the idea of exercising some strict discipline for a while seems comforting. I know this discipline. I know this path and I'm comfortable within its boundaries. Like Cesar Milan says, I need Rules, Boundaries and Limitations. We're all just animals, right?
We're going to see Robert Earl Keen tonight! I'm very excited. Until a couple years ago, I wasn't really a concert-goer. In fact, I'd usually opt out when my friends wanted to go see live music. It was usually too crowded, hot and drunk. Either I've gotten used to it or I'm seeing better shows because I love going to concerts now. There are some bands that just sound better live, and Robert Earl Keen is one. His energy just can't be captured in a studio. I'm really looking forward to this concert tonight!
Of course, the rules of discipline will necessarily be enforced since there will be about a 2 hour round trip to see the show. Otherwise I might be writing tomorrow about that one day I woke up without a hangover... thank God for the vigilance of Atlanta police that scare me into taking care of myself.
How do I know this? Today I woke up feeling wonderful, which is the complete opposite of the way I woke up yesterday morning. I know I've been a little too indulgent when the idea of exercising some strict discipline for a while seems comforting. I know this discipline. I know this path and I'm comfortable within its boundaries. Like Cesar Milan says, I need Rules, Boundaries and Limitations. We're all just animals, right?
We're going to see Robert Earl Keen tonight! I'm very excited. Until a couple years ago, I wasn't really a concert-goer. In fact, I'd usually opt out when my friends wanted to go see live music. It was usually too crowded, hot and drunk. Either I've gotten used to it or I'm seeing better shows because I love going to concerts now. There are some bands that just sound better live, and Robert Earl Keen is one. His energy just can't be captured in a studio. I'm really looking forward to this concert tonight!
Of course, the rules of discipline will necessarily be enforced since there will be about a 2 hour round trip to see the show. Otherwise I might be writing tomorrow about that one day I woke up without a hangover... thank God for the vigilance of Atlanta police that scare me into taking care of myself.
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